strategies to manage family tension during holiday reunions

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — With the holiday season bringing families back together, sometimes for the first time in months or years, tensions around the dinner table can rise just as quickly as the heat coming off the turkey. Topics like politics, global conflicts, morals and values often turn what should be a warm gathering into an uncomfortable debate.

Dr. Michele Williams, a professor at the University of Iowa Tippie College of Business, says it doesn’t have to be that way.

“These are your family members who you love,” Williams said. “Trying to approach conversations as a dialogue getting to understand their assumptions and what they’re thinking more than a debate.”

Small Talk Can Ignite Big Arguments

According to Williams, even light topics can unexpectedly turn into conflict.

“You can be talking about the price of eggs you can be talking about healthcare you can be talking about global conflicts, and suddenly it bursts out to something that’s contentious.”

To prevent conversations from spiraling, Williams recommends a communication method called LARA — Listen, Affirm, Respond and Add.

“Let people know that you heard what they said, whether you agree or not then respond and then you can add some additional information or ask some additional questions.”

Have an Exit Strategy

When emotions rise, Williams says stepping away can be the best option.

“Have something that you’ve planned — we’re going to throw the football around, we’re going to take a walk, we’re going to make s’mores. What are you going to do when you need to take a break?”

Changing the setting, she says, can help defuse the tension and remind family members why they’re gathered in the first place.

You Don’t Have to Stay Silent

Williams also stresses that staying quiet to “keep the peace” can leave people feeling worse.

“A lot of times we choose silence but you walk away feeling bad,” she said. “You can simply say, ‘I disagree with that, here are some reasons,’ or ‘Have you seen this article?’”

Affirming the other person first, she says, often disarms them and opens the door to a healthier exchange.

Thanksgiving Isn’t the Time for Bombshells

Ultimately, Williams encourages families to remember the purpose of the holiday.

“This Thanksgiving is probably not the day to drop bombshells on your family and expect that to go really well.”

Instead, she recommends saving deeper discussions for another time, and letting Thanksgiving be a day focused on connection, not conflict.